What can I say? The tongue-in-cheek challenge for bad fanfic inspired me to write this atrocity. Unfortunately, Giles is not the main character, although I really, really tried to do it, it just didn't work. A Dark And Stormy Night The Bad Fiction Challenge Author Kristy (AKA Titania) E-mail titania@innocent.com Distribution Be my guest Rating G Classification Crossover/Parody Summary A Buffy mystery Starring... Buffy Summers Rupert Giles Willow Rosenburg Alexander Harris Cordelia Chase and... The Mystery Machine Gang. DISCLAIMER I don't own a damn thing in this fiction. "Damn," Rupert Giles muttered, absently kicking the tire of his exhausted automobile. He trudged around the car, the rain drenching him to the bone, and slid into the driver's seat hastily. "It's worse than I expected." "What?" the carload of teenagers asked in unison. "Flat tire." "That's no problem." Buffy blew the hair off of her face optomistically. "Just put the spare on." "I'm afraid that was the spare." They indulged in a group groan. "Now what?" Cordelia turned in the passenger seat. "If I don't go and see my Aunt Jane, the old bat will give the family ring to my cousin Annie." Seeing a perfect opportunity to showcase his wit, Xander's mouth flew open, only to be clamped shut by the joint efforts of the Slayer and Willow,the demure redhead. "I see headlights." "Buffy, your talent for stating the obvious astounds me." "Stuff it, Giles. Get out there and wave them down. They could help us." Giles began to protest, but deciding that taking his chances on a carload of strangers was safer than arguing with Buffy. Back into the rain he went, and waved his hands at the van that slowed to a stop next to him. "Thank you for stopping." Giles attempted to appear normal as he wiped the rain from his face. "My car has a flat tire, and we're on our way to visit a sick relative of one of my... er, friend's..." He trailed off. "She lives just up the road, and if you could give us a ride, it would be most helpful." "Golly," said the short girl in the front passenger seat with spectacles. "You mean that spooky house on the hill?" "Well, yes, that would be the one." "We'd love to," offered the driver, a handsome young blonde man. "Get your friends. Scooby will open the back for you." "Scooby...?" He headed back towards his car, calling a thanks back to them. Cordelia was unwilling to roll down her window, yelling that the cold air would make her hair frizz, and so Giles had to cross around the car and open the door to tell them they had a ride to Aunt Jane's. The three in the back bounded out happily; Cordelia hestiated for several long moments before stepping out into the downpour. "The Mystery Machine?" Buffy read from the side of the psychadelic-ly painted van. "Giles..." "Just get in before I catch pnemonia," he snapped gruffly. In the back of the van, introductions were made. The Slayer, Slayerettes, and Watcher were introduced to Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, Fred, and even the dog, who let out an odd bark that sounded a bit like, "Scooby-Dooby-Doo." The shivering, scraggly group huddled together in the corner, a little nervous and anxious to arrive at Aunt Jane's. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It was very nice of you to drive us up here," Giles said to the gang as they all walked from the van to Aunt Jane's front door. "But you really didn't have to walk us to the front door." Cordelia lifted the heavy knocker and pounded it against the door. There was no response. She knocked again. "Why not try to the doorbell?" Willow suggested, only to step back from the fierceness of Cordelia's glare. "I saw the doorbell." A delicate finger pressed the lit button. "I just didn't want to wake Aunt Jane. In case she was taking a nap." "How thoughtful," Buffy said dryly. The Mystery Machine Gang were still standing on Aunt Jane's porch. Awkwardly, Giles reached into his wallet and removed a wet bill. "I'm afraid it's a bit soggy from the rain. But here you are. Gas money, or... Whatever." None of them reached for the money. "Gee, it's okay, sir." Fred smiled at them. "We just want to see you safely inside." Cordelia frowned deeply. "I wonder why no one's answering." She jabbed at the doorbell again, then reached for the knob. It opened easily. "Someone must be home," Willow muttered as they entered cautiously. "Otherwise, the door would be locked... Wouldn't it?" "Aunt Jane!" Cordy called. "Aunt Jane?" She stomped her foot. The lights were on in the hallway, but all the rooms that they could see were dark. "Creepy," Xander spoke up. "Jeepers," Buffy added. The group turned to her, eyebrows raised. "It's an expression." She hugged herself defensively. An eery creek caused them all to jump, followed quickly by an ominious voice. "Leave this house," it boomed. "Leave before it's too late." "This calls for an investigation." Velma rubbed her hands together, obviously pleased. "Hello? Just *who's* aunt is Aunt Jane, anyway?" Cordelia flicked her hair back. "This definately calls for an investigation. "Right. Xander, Giles, you take the upstairs. Cordelia, Willow and I will search downstairs." "Shaggy and Scooby, you go with the boys. Velma, you go with these girls, they'll need your help." Fred cut the loud protesting of Buffy and Cordelia off by continuing. "Daphne and I will look in the basement." "Are you sure you won't need help?" Velma asked Daphne. "I'm sure. We'll be fine." "That was strange," Buffy observed as the duo took off. "You're telling me," Cordelia concurred. "Aunt Jane doesn't even *have* a basement." "Oh, gross." Before her imagination was taken over by dark forces, Buffy motioned for the girls to follow her. "Don't be afraid," Velma assured the girls from her position behind Willow. "We do this all the time. We're professional ghost catchers." "Is that so?" Buffy slung open the doors to the kitchen and glanced around. "Oh, golly, there was this one time-" A noise cut her off. "What was that?" "It sounded like... Chains rattling?" Buffy frowned and listened again. "I think it's coming from the next room. Cordelia, what's through those doors?" "Aunt Jane's bedroom." Cordy rolled her eyes. "Get serious, Buffy. What else would be adjoining the kitchen? It's the dining room." Confident, she pranced across the kitchen and bounded into the room, only to shriek a moment later. Buffy ran to her, followed closely by Willow and Velma. Across the diningroom was a white figure, clad in chains. "Get out," it moaned. "Get out while you still can." "Where's Aunt Jane?" Demanded Buffy. "Forget about Aunt Jane," the ghostly figure insisted. "Save yourselves." The Slayer ran at the monstor, who promptly screamed and began to flee. "This isn't the way it's supposed to be!" Admonished Velma, who followed the pair. "You never, ever chase a ghost. It chases you!" Buffy had almost overtaken the mystery guest. Just as she grabbed hold of it's arm, a net dropped onto to them. "We're trapped," Velma lamented. "Hope Shaggy and Scobby will come looking for us." "Were you dropped on your head much?" Cordelia wondered aloud as they shook the net off of them. "Wow." Velma looked amazed. "I never knew you could do that." "Are you girls alright?" Xander appeared at the top of the stairs, and he and Giles came down quickly. "We heard screaming." "It took me by surprise, that's all." Cordelia sniffed. "Where's Shaggy?" Willow asked them. "He and his dog are hiding under a bed upstairs. There's no one up there, and everything looks pretty normal." "This is flour," Buffy spoke up, rubbing the white powder between her fingers. "That 'ghost' covered himself in flour." "Why would he do that?" Cordelia couldn't resist smacking Velma upside her head. "He's not a ghost, you dolt. He's a guy covered in powder to look ghostly." "Or maybe..." Velma hypothesiesed, rubbing her sore head. "That's what the ghost *wants* us to think." "Zoiks," Shaggy's voice cracked from the staircase. "Maybe you can ask him. Because there he is." Velma grabbed Buffy's hand and began running. Before Buffy knew what was going on, the entire group was running up the stairs and down the stairs, through one room and into the next, the whole time closely followed by the figure in flour. "ENOUGH!" she screamed finally, digging in her heels and scraping to a halt. "That's it." She turned on the ghost, chasing him down the hall and finally coming close enough to tackle him. "Let's find out who this ghost really is." "You're doing it all wrong again." Velma planted to her hands angrily on her hips. "First we tie him up, then we call the police, then we all gather around him, and *then* we find out who it is." Buffy threw her hands up. "Fine. Got any rope?" "Of course I do. I'm a professional ghost catcher." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Now," Cordelia, mistress of ceromonies, began. "Let's find out who this 'ghost' is and what he's done with my Aunt Jane." Daphne took hold of the figure's hair and pulled off a remarkably sophisticated rubber mask. "Cousin Annie!" Cordelia gasped. "Why would you do something like this?" "Are you crazy? I wanted the family ring. It's worth a fortune. I couldn't believe Aunt Jane would give it to a self-involved, good-for-nothing niece like you. I've been visiting her every day now for months and she wasn't leaving me a thing. So I kidnapped Aunt Jane and stole the ring. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids." The Mystery Gang began speaking at once. "Not you," Cousin Annie interupted. "You're a bunch of morons. I mean the *kids* here. Especially you." Since her hands were tied up, she was forced to gesture with her head. "You have a mean tackle." "Thanks." Buffy couldn't help herself from grinning. "I used to play touch with my friends when we were kids." "I hate to break this up, but where's my ring?" Cordelia demanded. "Maybe we should be asking where Aunt Jane is," Giles suggested. "Oh, yeah. Her, too." "She's in the hidden room behind the fireplace. You just need to turn the portrait hanging over it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The group was silent on the ride home. Cordelia was busy admiring her diamond encrusted ring; Giles was busy sneezing after a long stay in the rain; Buffy was busy wiping the grease off of her fingers, as she had been the one to take the tire from The Mystery Machine and place it on Giles's heap of a car; Willow was just happy to be on her way home, and Xander was busy polishing off a box of Scooby snacks. **The End**Return to the index. "Were you dropped on your head much?" Cor T- w @$ /[ F$@$ t [ L [E E0 \[ \[[[F$ G$ \ # \/# ` G$&, H ' D ^ h % ' ^ ` D F | ~ B D ) o . 4 6 a @ P R ? s u ^ g ! X Z l T N ) ) + w ? A F ~ [ [ o q B \ ^ 9 ; w y % 3 3 5 < > 2 | a ) + T V B @ R R T L 6 c e ! ! ! K! ! ! ! ! ! J" g" i" " # M# _# a# # # D$ Q$ S$ S$ $ $ % % U% W% % % % % & L& N& & & & & ' ' K' K' ' ' ( i( ( ( ( ( ( J) ) ) ) ) * H* J* * * * * * * + + R+ T+ + + 4, , , , , - - - - T- V- * Arial ably sophisticated rubber mask. "Cousin Annie!" Cordelia gasped. "Why would you do something like this?"