1T-\kkkkkl A Dark and Stormy Night

What can I say?  The tongue-in-cheek challenge for bad fanfic inspired me
to write this atrocity.  Unfortunately, Giles is not the main character,
although I really, really tried to do it, it just didn't work.

A Dark And Stormy Night
The Bad Fiction Challenge

Author Kristy (AKA Titania)
E-mail titania@innocent.com
Distribution Be my guest
Rating G
Classification  Crossover/Parody
Summary A Buffy mystery

Buffy Summers
Rupert Giles
Willow Rosenburg
Alexander Harris
Cordelia Chase and...
The Mystery Machine Gang.

DISCLAIMER  I don't own a damn thing in this fiction.

  "Damn,"  Rupert Giles muttered, absently kicking the tire of his exhausted
automobile.  He trudged around the car, the rain drenching him to the bone,
and slid into the driver's seat hastily.  "It's worse than I expected."

  "What?"  the carload of teenagers asked in unison.

  "Flat tire."

  "That's no problem."  Buffy blew the hair off of her face optomistically.
"Just put the spare on."

  "I'm afraid that was the spare."

  They indulged in a group groan.

  "Now what?"  Cordelia turned in the passenger seat.  "If I don't go and
see my Aunt Jane, the old bat will give the family ring to my cousin

  Seeing a perfect opportunity to showcase his wit, Xander's mouth flew
open, only to be clamped shut by the joint efforts of the Slayer and
Willow,the demure redhead.

  "I see headlights."

  "Buffy, your talent for stating the obvious astounds me."

  "Stuff it, Giles.  Get out there and wave them down.  They could help

  Giles began to protest, but deciding that taking his chances on a carload
of strangers was safer than arguing with Buffy.  Back into the rain he
went, and waved his hands at the van that slowed to a stop next to him.

  "Thank you for stopping."  Giles attempted to appear normal as he wiped
the rain from his face.  "My car has a flat tire, and we're on our way to
visit a sick relative of one of my... er, friend's..."  He trailed off.
"She lives just up the road, and if you could give us a ride, it would be
most helpful."

  "Golly," said the short girl in the front passenger seat with spectacles.
"You mean that spooky house on the hill?"

  "Well, yes, that would be the one."

  "We'd love to," offered the driver, a handsome young blonde man.  "Get
your friends.  Scooby will open the back for you."

  "Scooby...?"  He headed back towards his car, calling a thanks back to

  Cordelia was unwilling to roll down her window, yelling that the cold air
would make her hair frizz, and so Giles had to cross around the car and
open the door to tell them they had a ride to Aunt Jane's.  The three in the
back bounded out happily; Cordelia hestiated for several long moments before
stepping out into the downpour.

  "The Mystery Machine?"  Buffy read from the side of the psychadelic-ly
painted van.  "Giles..."

  "Just get in before I catch pnemonia," he snapped gruffly.

  In the back of the van, introductions were made.  The Slayer, Slayerettes, and Watcher were introduced to Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, Fred, and even the dog, who let out an odd bark that sounded a bit like, "Scooby-Dooby-Doo."

  The shivering, scraggly group huddled together in the corner, a little
nervous and anxious to arrive at Aunt Jane's.


  "It was very nice of you to drive us up here,"  Giles said to the gang as
they all walked from the van to Aunt Jane's front door.  "But you really
didn't have to walk us to the front door."

  Cordelia lifted the heavy knocker and pounded it against the door.  There
was no response.  She knocked again.

  "Why not try to the doorbell?"  Willow suggested, only to step back from
the fierceness of Cordelia's glare.

  "I saw the doorbell."  A delicate finger pressed the lit button.  "I just
didn't want to wake Aunt Jane.  In case she was taking a nap."

  "How thoughtful,"  Buffy said dryly.

  The Mystery Machine Gang were still standing on Aunt Jane's porch.
Awkwardly, Giles reached into his wallet and removed a wet bill.  "I'm
afraid it's a bit soggy from the rain.  But here you are.  Gas money, or...

  None of them reached for the money.  "Gee, it's okay, sir."  Fred smiled
at them.  "We just want to see you safely inside."

  Cordelia frowned deeply.  "I wonder why no one's answering."  She jabbed
at the doorbell again, then reached for the knob.  It opened easily.

  "Someone must be home,"  Willow muttered as they entered cautiously.
"Otherwise, the door would be locked...  Wouldn't it?"

  "Aunt Jane!"  Cordy called.  "Aunt Jane?"  She stomped her foot.  The
lights were on in the hallway, but all the rooms that they could see were

  "Creepy,"  Xander spoke up.

  "Jeepers,"  Buffy added.  The group turned to her, eyebrows raised.
"It's an expression."  She hugged herself defensively.

  An eery creek caused them all to jump, followed quickly by an ominious
voice.  "Leave this house," it boomed.  "Leave before it's too late."

  "This calls for an investigation."  Velma rubbed her hands together,
obviously pleased.

  "Hello?  Just *who's* aunt is Aunt Jane, anyway?"  Cordelia flicked her
hair back.  "This definately calls for an investigation.

  "Right.  Xander, Giles, you take the upstairs.  Cordelia, Willow and I
will search downstairs."

  "Shaggy and Scooby, you go with the boys.  Velma, you go with these
girls, they'll need your help."  Fred cut the loud protesting of Buffy and
Cordelia off by continuing.  "Daphne and I will look in the basement."

  "Are you sure you won't need help?"  Velma asked Daphne.

  "I'm sure.  We'll be fine."

  "That was strange,"  Buffy observed as the duo took off.

  "You're telling me,"  Cordelia concurred.  "Aunt Jane doesn't even *have*
a basement."

  "Oh, gross."  Before her imagination was taken over by dark forces, Buffy
motioned for the girls to follow her.

  "Don't be afraid,"  Velma assured the girls from her position behind
Willow.  "We do this all the time.  We're professional ghost catchers."

  "Is that so?"  Buffy slung open the doors to the kitchen and glanced

  "Oh, golly, there was this one time-"  A noise cut her off.  "What was

  "It sounded like...  Chains rattling?"  Buffy frowned and listened again.
"I think it's coming from the next room.  Cordelia, what's through those

  "Aunt Jane's bedroom."  Cordy rolled her eyes.  "Get serious, Buffy.
What else would be adjoining the kitchen?  It's the dining room."

  Confident, she pranced across the kitchen and bounded into the room, only
to shriek a moment later.  Buffy ran to her, followed closely by Willow and
Velma.  Across the diningroom was a white figure, clad in chains.  "Get
out," it moaned.  "Get out while you still can."

  "Where's Aunt Jane?"  Demanded Buffy.

  "Forget about Aunt Jane,"  the ghostly figure insisted.  "Save

  The Slayer ran at the monstor, who promptly screamed and began to flee.

  "This isn't the way it's supposed to be!"  Admonished Velma, who followed
the pair.  "You never, ever chase a ghost.  It chases you!"

  Buffy had almost overtaken the mystery guest.  Just as she grabbed hold
of it's arm, a net dropped onto to them.

  "We're trapped,"  Velma lamented.  "Hope Shaggy and Scobby will come
looking for us."

  "Were you dropped on your head much?"  Cordelia wondered aloud as they
shook the net off of them.

  "Wow."  Velma looked amazed.  "I never knew you could do that."

  "Are you girls alright?"  Xander appeared at the top of the stairs, and
he and Giles came down quickly.  "We heard screaming."

  "It took me by surprise, that's all."  Cordelia sniffed.

  "Where's Shaggy?"  Willow asked them.

  "He and his dog are hiding under a bed upstairs.  There's no one up
there, and everything looks pretty normal."

  "This is flour,"  Buffy spoke up, rubbing the white powder between her
fingers.  "That 'ghost' covered himself in flour."

  "Why would he do that?"

  Cordelia couldn't resist smacking Velma upside her head.  "He's not a
ghost, you dolt.  He's a guy covered in powder to look ghostly."

  "Or maybe..."  Velma hypothesiesed, rubbing her sore head.  "That's what
the ghost *wants* us to think."

  "Zoiks,"  Shaggy's voice cracked from the staircase.  "Maybe you can ask
him.  Because there he is."

  Velma grabbed Buffy's hand and began running.  Before Buffy knew what was
going on, the entire group was running up the stairs and down the stairs,
through one room and into the next, the whole time closely followed by the
figure in flour.

  "ENOUGH!"  she screamed finally, digging in her heels and scraping to a
halt. "That's it."  She turned on the ghost, chasing him down the hall and
finally coming close enough to tackle him.  "Let's find out who this ghost
really is."

  "You're doing it all wrong again."  Velma planted to her hands angrily on
her hips.  "First we tie him up, then we call the police, then we all
gather around him, and *then* we find out who it is."

  Buffy threw her hands up.  "Fine.  Got any rope?"

  "Of course I do.  I'm a professional ghost catcher."


  "Now,"  Cordelia, mistress of ceromonies, began.  "Let's find out who
this 'ghost' is and what he's done with my Aunt Jane."

  Daphne took hold of the figure's hair and pulled off a remarkably
sophisticated rubber mask.

  "Cousin Annie!"  Cordelia gasped.   "Why would you do something like

  "Are you crazy?  I wanted the family ring.  It's worth a fortune.  I
couldn't believe Aunt Jane would give it to a self-involved,
good-for-nothing niece like you.  I've been visiting her every day now for
months and she wasn't leaving me a thing.  So I kidnapped Aunt Jane and
stole the ring.  And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't
for you meddling kids."

   The Mystery Gang began speaking at once.

  "Not you,"  Cousin Annie interupted.  "You're a bunch of morons.  I mean
the *kids* here.  Especially you."  Since her hands were tied up, she was
forced to gesture with her head.  "You have a mean tackle."

  "Thanks."  Buffy couldn't help herself from grinning.   "I used to play
touch with my friends when we were kids."

  "I hate to break this up, but where's my ring?"  Cordelia demanded.

  "Maybe we should be asking where Aunt Jane is,"  Giles suggested.

  "Oh, yeah.  Her, too."

  "She's in the hidden room behind the fireplace.  You just need to turn
the portrait hanging over it."


  The group was silent on the ride home.  Cordelia was busy admiring her
diamond encrusted ring; Giles was busy sneezing after a long stay in the
rain; Buffy was busy wiping the grease off of her fingers, as she had been
the one to take the tire from The Mystery Machine and place it on Giles's
heap of a car; Willow was just happy to be on her way home, and Xander was
busy polishing off a box of Scooby snacks.

**The End**

Return to the index. "Were you dropped on your head much?" CorT-w@$/[ F$@$ t[ L[E E0 \[ \[[[F$G$\# \/# `G$&,H 'D^h %'^`DF|~BD)o.46a@ P R ? s u   ^   g !XZlTN))+w?AF~[[oqB\^9;wy%335<>2|a)+TVB@RRTL6 c e !!!K!!!!!!J"g"i""#M#_#a###D$Q$S$S$$$% %U%W%%%%%&L&N&&&&&''K'K'''(i((((((J)))))*H*J*******++R+T+++4,,,,,-- - -T-V-* Arialably sophisticated rubber mask. "Cousin Annie!" Cordelia gasped. "Why would you do something like this?"