Subject: GASP!: Bad Fanfic Challenge: Wedding Day
By Sharon Jacobs

It was a lovely spring day and Jennie Calender, soon to be Giles, was
attempting to shove her rotund belly into the lovely white wedding
dress.  Her mother was fussing over everything, as mothers do at times like
these. "Are you sure you're all right? You're not going to go into labor
are you? Oh Jennie, where did I go wrong with you?" she moaned.

Her sister, bitch queen, siddled up to her and crooned, " Oh Jennie,
aren't you positively glowing! Here let me get a picture," she said,
pointing the camera at  Jennie's stomach.

Jennie shoved her away and snarled,"Okay, both of you lay off! This is
my wedding day and it will be perfect, even if I have to to disembowel

Mother Calender patted her arm, and wiped her eyes with a lacy hanky.
"It's all right, dear. I know how ashamed you must be. But at least that
foreigner is going to marry you. In a couple of years everyone will
forget about this little incident, " she said comfortingly. 

Jennie closed her eyes and whispered a prayer to her favorite goddes for
strength. The door flew open and Buffy appeared, all dressed in pink and
hating every minute of it. "Let's get this show on the road. I've got
videos to return today," She slammed the door and stomped down the hall.

"Hrrumph!" said Mother Calender. "Say, you don't think there's anything
going on between that girl and Rupert, do you? I mean they spend an
awful lot of time together. "

"NO!" she said emphatically. "Help me zip this up,"

"Suck in, dear. "

"I am!"

"That's got it! Let me look at you. Oh Jennie, you are a vision, if only
you weren't knocked up!" her mother sighed, while her sister, the

Jennie pushed past them into the hall, and smile at the welcome sight of
her two bridesmaids and fellow technopagans, Desdemona and Ophelia. The
third bridesmaid, bitchie, joined them. As one they turned to take their
places, in a swirl of lavender taffeta.  

The music began to play. Her niece, Nina, went first as flowergirl,
followed by her nephew, Larry as ring bearer. Then the bridesmaids, with
bitchie in the lead. Taking her father's arm, she began he walk down the

"Don't cry, daddy, " she whispered.

"I'm losing my baby  today, " he wailed, startling some of the guests. 

"Yeah, well, butterfly kisses and all that crap, just keep moving."
muttered Jennie. Why, oh why couldn't I have been born into a human
family? she thought.

Her eyes met Rupert's. He looked so handsome in a tux. Standing by his
side was his best friend, Ethan Rayne. Once they had got past that demon
worshipping business their friendship had blossomed again. She was happy
for him. Rupert seemed to be truly at peace for the first time.

As she continued down the aisle, she heard comments of "Isn't she
lovely!", "Don't they make a lovely pair", and "Get a forklift"  coming
form the general vicinity of Cordelia. She gave the girl a deadly look
that promised sweet revenge at a later time, and made her way to the
altar to stand by her beloved.

Her took her hand and smiled. He was sweating, but that was only to be
expected. Rupert was the nervous type.

The minister began the ceremony. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered her in
the sight of God to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony."
Jennie noticed that Rupert was beginning to hyperventilate. "Who gives
this woman to be married?" 

"WAAAHHH," wailed her father. She elbowed him in the ribs and he
squeaked, "I do.'

"Do you Rupert Oliver Giles take this woman Jennifer Sonja Marie Elaine Sharon Donna Kim Aliesha Elyse Kristy Miriam Sarah Calender to be your lawfully wedded  wife?"

Giles loosened his collar and cleared his throat. The eyes of the assembly were upon him. "Well," he began.

"It's a yes, or no question," Jennie growled.

"Um, well, Oh it's no use. I can pretend no longer. I can't marry you
Jennie. I would be living a lie."

A gasp was heard around the church and a cry of "I knew he would dump
her" came from the general vicinity of Cordelia. 

"Shut up, you Barbie wannabe," screamed Jennie. "Now, what the hell do
you mean, you'd be living a lie?"

Giles took Ethan's hand lovingly in his own. "I'm gay."

Utter silence, broken only by repressed laughter coming from the general
vicinity of Cordlia. 

Finally, "When did you become gay? You seemed to like women an awful lot
up til now!" Jennie said pointing to her protruding stomach.

Giles looked at her sorrowfully. "Ethan was my first true love. After,"
his voice dropped to a whisper, "That demon worshipping business, I
decided to try to change. I took up the family business, I stopped
wearing leather and I started dating girls. Not very successfully, I
might add. I'm surprised you didn't suspect. I'm over 40, unmarried,
thin and very neat. I mean come on, even Cordelia knew."

"That's right, I always knew," Cordelia stood up to make her point.

Jennie looked at her family. Her mother was a helpless bundle of tears,
as she faced the prospect of an unmarried pregnant daughter; her father
looked a little _too_ relieved, hmmm, and bitchie was laughing her ass

She turned to the slayerettes for support. Buffy and Willow were shaking
their heads in disbelief. Xander had a glazed look in his eyes; she
noticed a tiny earphone in his ear and guessed that he was so wrapped up
in the game that he didn't know what was going on.

Then she turned to Ethan. His smile was full of evil. "I'm sorry too,
Jennie, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles." 

The room began to spin. She dimly heard Rupert saying, "What's wrong?" ,
right before her mind snapped.

Six months later, on the set of the tv movie "Blood on the Alter",
Cordelia sat in a director's chair and watched Victoria Principal and
Timothy Dalton reenact the scene for the cameras.  She clapped her hands
as Tori Spelling jumped up from among the wedding guests and yelled,
"That's right. I knew it all along!"

*************the end*************************** 

Return to the index.